So, here I am on a Saturday night drinking bourbon by myself. I’d be lying if I said I was ok with that. Today was my studio mate’s wedding and I braved the wind and the rain on the top of Mt. Tabor (along with around 50 others) to witness the happy couple recite their vows. That bus down the mountain couldn’t have come quicker. I sat with one of the bride’s friends from Brooklyn and seeing that she was by herself, I started a conversation.
Anyway, when the bus arrived at the Eagle’s Lodge I bid the New Yorker and her blue eyes farewell and I left. I did not attend the reception. Why? Oh, I’m trying to figure that out. I could give the excuse that I’m under the gun to finish work in the studio for upcoming sales or that I didn’t feel like drinking (I know, I’m drinking whiskey as I type) or that I had to get home to feed my dog. I’ve been looking for ways to meet new people. This should have been a no-brainer but alas, I bowed out. I went to the shop and threw some more coffee cones, thinking about everyone whooping it up at the Eagle’s Lodge.
Going to gatherings where I barely know anyone is to say the least, difficult. I’ll be honest. My self-confidence is fairly low right now and combined with an introverted personality, I don’t get too excited to attend these kinds of things. It worries me to think that at 40 I struggle with this.
I find that being a creative person involves quite a bit of solitude, both physically and mentally. There are many days where I think I’m just not cut out for this kind of life. And I’m just doing it part time! I have my day job that takes my mind off the ‘heavy stuff’, but at the end of the day, at the end of the week, the guilt sets in. It’s the guilt that I feel when I just want to sit and read or take a nap when I should be grinding away at my craft. Richard Serra has a saying, “Work comes out of work.” I fully understand that. I also understand that the path I have chosen involves sacrifices. I worry that such things like getting together with friends on a regular basis, exploring the city I live in, exploring other interests are taking their toll on my wellbeing. Can anyone out there relate to any of this?
On a brighter note, I am back in the studio on a somewhat regular basis. I ended up taking a full time job to ease the financial strain and to get out of the rut of my previous part time job. Needless to say it has taken over 3 months to get used to my new schedule. Scraping together the time and energy to get into the studio has been a tremendous challenge, but the fire has been lit under my ass by the help of three upcoming sales. The first is an on-line vendor that will be featuring my coffee cone starting in October (More info on that as I get it.). The second is a biggie. My first craft fair!! I will be attending West Coast Craft in San Francisco, November 16th and 17th. And lastly, The Makery, where I have my studio will be hosting a holiday sale in December complete with music and food trucks (More on that as the info comes in).
So, life rolls along. I noticed the leaves are starting to change color here in Portland and the rains have returned. It was inspiring to see my friend and her new husband out there in the wind and rain getting hitched today. Nothing could have dampened their spirits. It was a magical thing to watch, two people in love. Only now did that just hit me.